


The Book of Realms (being rewritten)

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fantasy, Homestuck References, M/M, Magic, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Portals, like the running gags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-02-09 21:57:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 10,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12897684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: There is a war going on.But not on Earth. In another realm entirely.A realm of magic that thirteen teens and two almost-adults are thrown into.Let's hope they survive.





	1. Time is Precious

**Author's Note:**

> *picks up the legendary blues harmonica*  
> let's do this shit.

When Sollux entered the Megido family’s antique shop, he didn’t expect Aradia’s marijuana-addict older sister Damara to immediately start spouting Japanese at him. 

“Aradia wa anata o hitsuyō to shimasen, kanojo wa ima uma no otoko junia o motte imasu.” 

Sollux brushed it off, and started walking to the back room, where he knew Aradia would probably be. Damara blew a plume of smoke into the air, then took another drag. “Baka. Aradia wa ushiro no heya ni imasen.” Sollux rolled his eyes, knowing well that Damara couldn’t see his freak eyes under his bi-coloured glasses. 

When Sollux reached the back room, he groaned. Aradia wasn’t in the back room. He had walked the entire fifteen steps, and now had to walk back to the showroom of the antique store and step behind the counter, unlock the door, and ascend the staircase to the apartment above. He tried to be as inconspicuous as possible, but Damara stopped halfway through serving a young man with a ratty old cap to grin and utter some more Japanese to him. “Watashi wa sō anata ni itta.” 

He avoided eye contact, and internally apologised to the young man who was now looking very confused. Sollux grabbed the keys from their hook, and quickly unlocked the door. Damara grabbed his wrist before he could close the door. “Īe, watashi wa kaidan ni tsuite mo keikoku shimasu.” Sollux rolled his eyes again, forking over the keys. 

She shook her head condescendingly, then went back to serving the young man. “Sore wa tsuneni okotte iru…” The young man nodded, pretending to understand as he anxiously waited for Damara to tell him the prices of the things he was buying. Sollux shut the door very pointedly.

When he entered the living room of the apartment, Aradia tackle-hugged him. “Haha! Sollux! What was taking you so long?” Sollux pushed at her arms in vain. “Thit, AA, I can’t really breathe.” Aradia immediately released him, and giggled, bouncing on her toes. Sollux rubbed his windpipe. “Jethuth, AA, who the fuck taught you how to do… whatever the hell that wath?” Aradia grinned, pressing her hands together. “Oh, my boyfriend’s best friend! She’s really sweet, and she always wears a beanie with little cat ears!” Aradia mimed cat ears. Sollux smiled. “Sthe thoundth like a real character.” Aradia smiled. “Oh, she is! But enough chat, we’ve got some shit to get done!” 

Sollux had to do a double-take. Aradia Megido? Swearing? This was obviously dangerous. “What… ‘thit to get done’ do you need to do?” Aradia crossed her arms, a smile-nearing-smirk on her dark red lips. “Pissing off Damara. And you,” she pointed to Sollux at this point, “are going to help.” 

Sollux backed away. Even though he could (probably) take Damara in a fight, (if Damara was having a bad day) he didn’t want to annoy her. Just like Aradia, she could be a powerful adversary. Aradia pouted at his expression. “Come on, it’ll be fun!” Sollux groaned. “Come on, AA, why are we doing thith?” Aradia fidgeted with the sleeve of her flowy shirt before spitting out, “Because she tried to make a move on my boyfriend when he was sleeping over yesterday.” 

Sollux snickered and ruffled her hair condescendingly. “AA, DM doeth that to whoever ith near her.” Aradia waved his hands away, blushing a furious shade of dark red. “Oh, shut up! I’m just super pissed off! And plus, who would pass up a good challenge like this?” Sollux shrugged. “Fine then, let’th pith off DM.” 

The first thing they did was ‘reorganise’ some of the shelves, so that nothing was in the same place. Damara just rolled her eyes and muttered something in Japanese before blowing smoke into their faces. The second thing they did was play Katy Perry at just-above-audible level, so that Damara could hear it, but no-one else could. A young woman with long black hair, a lot of piercings, and curved tattoos walked into the store, and greeted Damara with a half-smile. Damara grinned at the customer, and took the joint out of her mouth to talk properly. “You can hear that noise, can you?” The stranger shook her head, and walked up to the counter, shooting Sollux and Aradia a knowing smirk. They backed away after that, choosing to operate the next ten pranks covertly.

Damara stormed into the living room of the apartment soon after it closed, smoke trailing out of her mouth like she was a dragon about to spit fire. “Nani o shite ita nodesu ka?!” Aradia crossed her arms defiantly. “Anata ga hanashite iru koto wa wakarimasen.” Damara laughed. “Watashi wa machigatte iru to wa omowanai.” 

Aradia glared at her, raising her eyebrows. “Anata ga sakuya watashi no bōifurendo o yūwaku shiyou to shite inakattanara, Sollux to watashi wa nani mo suru hitsuyō wa arimasendeshita! Anata wa baishunpu!” Sollux almost started filming it. Honestly, they were like Japanese teen drama queens sometimes. Damara looked like she was about to slap her younger sister, until she took a long drag, blowing all of the smoke into Aradia’s face. “Shaji o kurete arigatō, imōto.” 

Damara slammed the door, then came back in and pointed at the two of them with her free hand. “You can clear attic room, if you not busy being dumb idiots.” Sollux raised his eyebrows at Aradia. “Wow, what did you do to pith her off that much?” Aradia rubbed her arms uncomfortably. “I called her a slut.” Sollux shrugged. “Well, that ith kind of true.” Aradia laughed at that, then grabbed his hand and dragged up to the attic above the apartment above the antique shop. “Okay, we gotta stop wasting time if we want to clear the attic before she comes back sober. Time is precious!”


	2. A Perfectly Generic Clean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein Sollux lisps the word pessimist

Sollux leant over a box, coughing loudly as smoke billowed into his face. “Jethuth, AA, why can’t we just… you know… not clean thith?” Aradia clicked her tongue as she stacked up some (hopefully) fake human skulls. “Really, Sollux, you’re so lazy sometimes. It’s just like why we annoyed Damara; for the heck of it!” Sollux snickered. “Yeah, you forgot to mention that another reathon why you pithed her off wath that DM was trying to flirt with your boyfriend.” Sollux pulled a long, dusty cape out of a box. “Well thit, it’s a douche cape. AA, look at thith.” Aradia trotted over to him, inspecting the cape. “I don’t see anything douchey about it.” Sollux waved it around. “Well, you thee, AA, I have a cool little thing called thecond thight. I can thee the patht, and I know that the perthon who had thith was a complete and utter douche.” Aradia rolled her eyes, giggling. “Sollux, that wouldn’t be your power! Your power would probably be like… Seeing when and where you need to be a pessimist.” Sollux nudged her playfully. “I would be a pethimitht all the time anywayth.” Aradia went back to her side of the room. “That’s true.”

A few minutes later, Aradia pulled out a box of clothes that had a waterproof sheen to them. “Sollux, aren’t these just beautiful?” Aradia unfolded a bi-colour wraparound skirt and a golden tiara, with an inset garnet at the front. Sollux nodded. “Yeah, thothe are pretty nithe.” 

Aradia looked around, as if checking for hidden cameras, before dragging a metal chest out from under a blanket and unlatching it. “This is where I keep all of the cool stuff.” She neatly folded the clothes up and set them inside, and was just about to close it when something in there caught Sollux’s eye. There was a pair of hipster glasses resting atop a blue striped scarf. Sollux pointed at them. “Why do you have hipthter glatheth in there? I thought thith wath an antique shop.” Aradia picked up the glasses. “Well evidently, someone in the past had very bad taste.” Sollux snorted, and Aradia got up, brandishing the scarf and the glasses. “Put these on.” Sollux immediately stopped laughing. “Okay, how about hell no.” Aradia wiggled her eyebrows. “Come on! Try them on!” “No. Thtop.” “Hell yes.” Aradia tackled him to the ground, throwing the scarf around his neck and pulling off his usual glasses, sliding the hipster glasses onto his face. She got up, grinning. “Oh god, you look even dorkier than I thought you would.” Sollux groaned. “Oh my god, I wish your boyfriend’th bethtie hadn’t taught you that.” Aradia handed him an ornate mirror. Sollux looked like a complete and utter hipster. His honeyed brown hair was a careless mess, the glasses sat on the bridge of his nose perfectly, and the scarf was wrapped lazily around his neck. Sollux pulled off the scarf and wrinkled his nose. “Oh my god, AA, I hate you tho much.” Aradia bumped him with her hip, before replacing his glasses and tucking the hipster clothes back into the chest. Sollux waved his arms around. “Okay, can we jutht, like, continue bullthitting around?” Aradia nodded, waltzing over to a big pile of boxes. “Sounds great to me!” 

Sollux was now coughing on dust. Again. He had pulled a dust cover off a big square object, and the dust cover had turned out to have an unholy amount of dust. Aradia rushed over and shook his arm. “Oh, my, goodness. Sollux look at what you’ve uncovered! Oh my gosh!” Sollux looked up from the half-crouch he was in, and even through his general sense of apathy towards mysterious artifacts, he was pretty amazed. “Wow. That’th pretty awethome.” Sollux was glad he was wearing his slightly-tinted glasses, otherwise it would have almost been painful to look at. The cube they were standing in front of was an unholy shade of bright green, and looked extremely…

Generic?

It looked like it could have been one of a million bricks in a fort, like it could be lost in a sea of the same thing. It looked like someone had tried to make nothing out of nothing. 

Sollux blinked and held his hand to his forehead, crouching again due to a sudden headspin. Wow, he didn’t even know why he thought that. He must be coming down with something. Aradia walked around it, squinting slightly. “It looks like… a cube.” Sollux’s head finally cleared. “It’th jutht a cube, we can move on.” Aradia kicked it. It made a slightly delayed ‘thud’ noise, like something inside it had fallen over. Aradia pursed her lips and bent down to its level. “Hmm. Sollux, can you help me-” “Thit.” Sollux checked his phone, not noticing the messages he had been sent almost ten minutes earlier.

\-- tacticalAccident [TA] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA] --

TA: 20LLUX2  


TA: WH33R4 4R3 Y0U  


TA: 4543YYU34HF  


TA: HURRY UP PL342H

\-- tacticalAccident [TA] ceased pestering twinArmaggedons [TA] --

Sollux shoved his phone into his pocket and stood up. “Thit, AA, I gotta go. Tuna needs me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote two chapters in one day, hooray!  
> now i have  
> school!  
> hooray!


	3. Cheerio Panic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Absorb the magic of that title.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know whatchu thinking  
> 'the hell is this crazy son of a bitch talking bout cheerios'  
> you'll see  
> also  
> third chapter in a day  
> i have a project due tomorrow

Sollux dropped his keys, then quickly picked them up unlocking the door and stepping in. “Tuna?” He heard a muffled cry coming from Mituna’s room. Sollux sprinted. He found Mituna curled up, leaning against his wardrobe, his hands over his ears. Sollux approached as you would for a skittish animal. “Tuna? What’th wrong?” He tried to speak as softly as he could. 

Mituna looked up, and even through the thick, messy hair the same shade of honeyed brown as Sollux’s, Sollux knew Mituna was looking at him. “Th-thollux?” Mituna hiccuped, wiping away glistening tear tracks. Sollux slowly moved forward, enveloping Mituna in a warm hug. They sat there for almost five minutes, younger holding older. Eventually, Mituna pulled away. “I’m thorry, Thollux. I knew you were hanging out with Damara’th little thith today, and I thtill texthted you when I knew it would probably annoy you, even though I wath freaking out and-and-” Mituna started tearing up again. Sollux brushed Mituna’s hair out of his eyes and held out his hand for Mituna to grab. “Okay, Tuna, let’th get you thomething to eat. What do you want? Grilled cheethe? Cheerioth?” 

Mituna thought for a while as Sollux led him to the kitchen. “Uh… Can I have Cheerioth?” Sollux nodded, grabbing the box from the pantry and pouring some into a pale yellow bowl decorated with bees and black stripes. Mituna handed him the milk before he had to go back to the fridge. “I got it for you!” Sollux gave Mituna a grateful grin, and patted his arm before handing him the bowl, as well as a spoon. 

Mituna ate the entire bowl in a few minutes. “Thankyou Thol!” he lisped through a mouthful of Cheerios and milk. Sollux chuckled. “Tuna, keep your mouth shut when you’re eating.” Mituna cocked his head. “How am I thuppothed to get food in then?” Sollux let out a snort. Mituna realised what he had meant by ‘keep your mouth shut’. “Oh. OH!” Mituna put down his spoon. “So, you meant keep your mouth shut as in… ah. Heh.”

Soon, they were both laughing, and Mituna finished his cereal. Sollux checked the time. He hadn’t noticed how long he was at Aradia’s. Sollux checked the time again. If he started it right now…

“Okay, Tuna, get ready for bed.” Mituna’s brow crinkled. “What? Already? It’th only…” Mituna looked around for a clock for a while, before he spotted one above the door. “...9:13!” “Exthactly. If you get ready now, you’ll have enough time to watch thome cartoonth.” Mituna let out a happy gasp, and dashed into his room. He changed impossibly fast, grabbed his stuffed cyclops toy, then dashed back into the living room, where Sollux was setting up a relatively new episode of Pokemon. Mituna dove over the couch and curled up on a cushion. The opening theme song began playing, and Mituna started singing along, waving his toy along to the beat. “I wanna be, the very betht. That no-one ever waaath. To catch them all, ith my real tetht. To train ‘em is my cauthe!” Mituna playfully punched Sollux in the arm. “Come on, Thollux! You have to thing it too!” Sollux rolled his eyes, having taken his glasses off once he arrived home. “Fine then. Don’t blame me if your ear’th thtart bleeding.”

Less than a minute later, Mituna was singing the last few notes, standing with one foot on the coffee table in his signature move. “Gotta catch ‘em aaaaall! PO-KE-MON!!” He spread his arms out wide, the red-eyed cyclops flying out of his hand and hitting the wall. “THIT!” Mituna scrambled over Sollux, quickly grabbing the stuffed toy and cradling it against his chest. Sollux shook his head. “No thwearing, Tuna. Altho,” Sollux rubbed his knee. “Don’t thtep on people like that, okay?” Mituna nodded, carefully stepping over Sollux this time. “Thorry, Thollux.”

When the episode finished, Mituna was yawning constantly, so instead of trying to manoeuvre a sleepy Mituna into bed, Sollux simply picked his older brother up (he was quite a bit shorter than him) and dropped him into his bed, then pulled his covers up and gave Mituna a pat. “G’night, Tuna.” “Night, Thol…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> very short chap


	4. Making some calls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my wife is here  
> my crops are thriving  
> my homework is due

Jade awoke to the sound of her phone ringing. She instantly regretted picking the Benny Hill Theme for her ringtone. She felt around for her glasses, then felt around for her phone and answered groggily. “Hello jello, it’s Jade Ha...ha…” 

Jade yawned. 

“...Harley.” The person on the other side started speaking. “Hello Jade! This is Aradia, and I was wondering whether mysterious and possibly magical artifacts are one of your interests?” Jade immediately sat up. Under other circumstances, she would’ve said to contact her later if possible, but this was too good of an opportunity. “Yes! I mean, yes, kind of. What is it you need?” Jade heard a scuffle on the other end and some shouting in Japanese. “Sore o kaesu, baka! Sorry about that, Jade. Just my sister. I was hoping you could help me identify a mysterious and possibly magical artifact.” Jade nodded, then almost facepalmed as she remembered that people couldn’t see her over the phone. This was why she preferred to video chat. “Yeah, of course! Where do you live exactly?” 

When she arrived, Jade thought she must’ve gotten the wrong address. That is, until she saw a Japanese girl with her hair in two buns, smoking a joint while chatting in bad English with a female customer. The girl looked her up and down, her burgundy eyes lingering on Jade’s slightly bent glasses and green eyes. “Anatahadare? Jeikujunia?” Jane shrugged and smiled. “I have no idea what you just said, but I’m going to assume it’s good! Say, do you know where Miss Aradia Megido is?” The Japanese girl took a long drag, smoke hissing out from between her teeth. “Kanojo ga doko ni iru no ka wakaranai. Watashi wa doku o kau yoi basho o shitte imasu.” Jade got the feeling that she was being obstructive on purpose. “So, that’s a no then. Never mind, I’ll just find her myself. Oh, do you know where the stairs are? Just point, there’s no need for a speech.” The girl blew out some more smoke. “Hai. Anata ga watashi no naka ni anata no yubi o oite iru ma, watashi wa chinmoku surudeshou.”

Jade felt like smashing her face into a wall. “Just... can you please point me to the stairs?” The girl pointed to a door behind her. “Kaidan. Atode watashi ni fakku shite kudasai.” Jade nodded slowly. “Alriiiiiight…” She ascended the stairs, every so often chancing a glance at the girl with her hair in two buns. 

She followed the sound of Aradia’s voice, and burst into a burgundy-themed room with a loud announcement of, “I’m heeeeeere!” Aradia grinned, a skull in her hands, halfway through waving it around in front of Kanaya. Kanaya looked very confused. “Oh, hello Jade. I way not aware you would be joining us for this impromptu identification session. Aradia only said that we should wait for a while, she did not specify why.” Aradia giggled. “Sorry Jade, sorry Kanaya! It slipped my mind!” She stood up, brushed imaginary dirt off her skirt, then walked to the doorway. “Well, are you coming?” Kanaya and Jade both stood up quickly, following Aradia up another flight of stairs. 

When they reached the attic. Aradia strode to the other side of a blanketed object, lifting part of it up to grab whatever was underneath. “Okay, here’s the mysterious and possibly magical object!” She lifted it up, and…

It was a book. Aradia grinned at them. “What do you think it is?” Kanaya raised her hand slightly. “It appears to me that the object you are holding seems to be a book of some sort.” Aradia let out a snort. “That’s not what I meant, but thanks, Kanaya.” Jade held her hands out. “Can I have a look?” Aradia threw the thick tome to the green-eyed girl, narrowly missing hitting Kanaya. Jade flicked through, pausing at a spirograph of some sort. “Where did you find this?” Aradia pointed at the object that was covered by a sheet. “Inside here!” Before Aradia could warn Jade about how bright it would be, she grabbed the corner of the sheet and pulled it, unveiling the Perfectly Generic object in all its glory. 

Kanaya shielded her eyes. “Oh my goodness. That is a shade of rather eye-burningly bright green.” Jade turned her head to the side slightly, inspecting the green cube with rounded edges. “It doesn’t look very important.” Aradia ran her fingers down the side, until she apparently found something, then pressed a section in. The entire top section snapped open, and Aradia moved her hand away just as the top whoosed past her hand, halting a millimeter above the ground. Jade sat back, the book in her lap. “Wow.” Aradia pointed out the indent, the perfect shape for a book to sit in. “It was in there!” Don’t know why, but I wanted to get you two’s opinions on it.” Kanaya placed a slender hand on the cover of the book. “May I have a look, Jade?” Jade beamed, passing her the book a bit too forcefully. Kanay carefully looked through a few pages, pausing at a certain page. 

“Hm. This seems to be an incantation of some sort, but I can’t quite read it. It seems to be in another language.” Jade bounced excitedly in her seat. “Oh, oh, can I see? Not to brag, but I know quite a few languages.” Kanaya passed the book to her. This was turning into an absurd game of pass the parcel, or in this case, pass the book. Not a game to be played with only two players. Jade squinted. “Bahhcar da Andreiih, bahhcar. Daies a… Saffre… no that’s not right… daies a kenkrai, daies a Oiv-gyrd, daies a… Albete?” Jade smiled nervously at the two other girls in the room. “There’s some other stuff too.” Aradia and Kanaya looked very impressed, Kanaya especially. “I was not aware you were able to understand so many languages, especially ones such as…” Kanaya gestured to the almost intelligible symbols on the page. “That. Most surprising.” Aradia laughed and clapped her hands. “Wow! That’s pretty darn awesome, Jade!” Jade posed dramatically. “I am the language MASTER. It is me.” Aradia let out a very unladylike snort, to which Kanaya gave her a look which clearly expressed her general feeling of ‘Are You Actually Kidding Me That Is Most Unbecoming’, which just made Aradia giggle even more. “Okay, language MASTER. What does that all actually mean?” Jade pursed her lips. “Well, there’s something about, like… A creator of some sort? And like, mountains of white bears, but I don’t know if I’m reading it correctly. Oh, also a blood sacrifice.” Kanaya and Aradia both looked extremely taken aback by the last statement, which Jade said with so much nonchalance it was almost frightening. “A blood sacrifice, you say,” Kanaya muttered. Jade scanned the line again. “Well, it could mean something else, it’s just that it’s messy writing and the closest thing I know to the word is blood.” Kanaya folded her hands in her lap. “Well, what do we do now?” Aradia grinned, grabbing the book and spinning around. “I have a few ideas…”


	5. Lime green badassery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GG: listen up fuckers!!

The group of three came up with a few ideas that were immediately shot down, (Aradia said they should use it to break the universe, and Kanaya quickly removed the book from her grasp) a few ideas that they were umming and erring about (Kanaya said they should use it to terraform the untamed wildernesses, which Jade promptly objected to on behalf of ‘ _ every plant ever _ ’, in her own words). Jade accidentally summoned a cube from nowhere when flicking through and mumbling, which they all grew very excited about. It strengthened their feeling of pride, and made them more determined to celebrate. Well, Aradia and Jade at least.

 

They ended up with one idea that they all agreed would work. “A party,” they said in unison. Kanaya originally objected to the party at first, but soon agreed it was a good way to get everyone to mingle, especially the people that don’t get out or do anything exciting usually. Aradia said the ‘anything exciting usually’ with a blatant lisp, which Kanaya and Jade took to mean Sollux. 

 

Kanaya was put in charge of decorations, Jade was put in charge of fun activities and food, and Aradia was put in charge of guests. They decided to host their ‘ _ DISCOVERY PARTY x3 _ ’ at Jade’s house, which was the biggest out of all of their houses. Between Aradia’s flat, Kanaya’s weird shaped bubble towers, and Jade’s huge tower, it was no contest. 

\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] opened memo on TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY --

AA: so!

AA: me and jade and kanaya here

GA: Jade, Kanaya, And I

AA: yes

AA: jade kanaya and i

GA: *Exasperated Sigh*

AA: *uncaring giggle because fuck grammar*

TA: okay guy2, ju2t announce thii2 bull2hiit already

GC: Y3S

GC: 1 C4N SM3LL YOUR 3XC1T3M3NT HURRY UP

AA: okay okay

AA: so weve decided to throw a party

GG: yeah!! :)

TA: fuck

AA: its at jades on saturday

GG: starts at 11 am

AA: also the three of us have a very important announcement to make

AG: Yeeeeeeees? >::::/

AA: blorg 

AA: at the party dingus

AA: jade

AA: do we have to invite spider8itch

GG: >:0

GG: dont be rude!! and yes we do >:(

AG: Oh, I’m soooooooo flattered. Corpse bitch, you've been foiled

EB: vriska!!

GG: yayy!!! john!! :)

EB: hi jade! :B

AA: okay john

AA: jade is going to tell jake so if you could tell jane

AA: that would be great

EB: sure thing!

GA: Aradia

GA: So Jake And Jane Are Permitted To Come

GA: But No Other Oldies

EB: oldies??? jane is eighteen???

GA: That Is Not My Personal Opinion

GA: That Is Just What Aradia Said

EB: jaaaaaaaade!

GG: to quote aradia

GG: blorg

GG: dont use her

GG: i mean dont use her quirk

AG: John can use my quirk aaaaaaaanytime he wants. >;;;;)

EB: haha

GA: Not In Front Of The Innocent Ones Vriska

AG: >::::( 

AG: What’s got your panties in a twist, Fussyfangs? 

GA: We Will Revoke Your Invitation

AG: Terezi would let me in through a window, you bitch. 

EB: heh, owned 

GC: H4H4 

GC: PROB4BLY NOT 

TA: ohhhh owned 2piiderbiitch 

AG: >::::,( 

GC: OK4Y PROB4BLY Y3S 

GG: guys shush 

AG: I kneeeeeeeew you wouldn’t let me down :::::) 

GC: YOU SM3LL L1KE L13S 

AA: enough guys 

AG: You’re messaging me over a computer, that’s impossible. 

GG: shush!! everyone! 

TA: ii agree wiith vrii2ka 

GA: I Agree 

GG: okay!!!! 

GG: everyone shut up!!!! >:((( 

GG: this is not a dump for all your romantic feels! 

GG: this is a very very important memo and aradia kanaya and i are trying to organise it! 

GG: so!! 

GG: listen up fuckers!! >:( 

GG: theres a party at my house 

GG: it starts at 11 am on saturday 

GG: you are free to leave whenever you fucking want! 

GG: jake and jane can come but no other older siblings! >:/ 

GG: this is not up for discussion! 

GG: aradia close the memo 

GG: i think were done here

\-- apocalypseArisen closed memo --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> our girl jadey is sick of this shit


	6. i cant think of a chapter title

Jade slammed her computer shut, then let out a strangled growl. “Argh!” Kanaya had already left, so it was just Aradia and her sitting with their computers. Aradia closed her computer slowly. “Wow, Jade.” Jade pressed her thumbs against her eyes. “I know… It’s just none of them were listening, and I’m sick of being the happy green pushover, the dizzy, sleepy, science girl, the… the…” Jade clasped her hands in her lap. “...the supporting character in a story everyone else gets to lead. It’s like I’m always last to the popular thing, always last to be invited! But, now I see that I was kind of a douche just then, huh?” Aradia put her computer down and walked over to where Jade was perched atop a box. She patted the lime green-clad girl on the back. “I don’t think it was douchey. That was really inspiring, having you take initiative and stop them from spewing their emotional junk all over the memo. It was really great!” 

Jade scratched the back of her neck, a faint pink tinge appearing on her cheeks from the unfamiliar heart-felt praise. “No, it wasn’t. I just kind of started typing, and I got unnecessarily angry.” Aradia frowned at her, standing up and putting her hands on her hips. “Okay, Jade. That was not unnecessary! They weren’t listening, and they let their teenagery rebellion get in the way of our announcement! Plus, that was epic! Didn’t you see? Everyone stopped talking, because you,” Aradia reopened Jade’s computer and placed her hand on Jade’s shoulder, “told them to! You’re not much of a conventional leader like John, but you took charge.” Aradia patted Jade’s hair. “And that’s what’s important.”

Jade hid her red face behind her hands. “Oh my god, Aradia, you’re going to make me melt.” Aradia smiled, checking the time on her computer. “You are going to melt if Damara tries to start talking to you.” Jade cocked her head. “Why?” Aradia shrugged. “She has a certain way of speaking that offends some people.” Jade shut down her computer. “She didn’t seem that offensive to me.” 

Some of the colour drained from Aradia’s face. “She did?” Jade nodded. “Yeah, Japanese. What a coincidence, huh? One of the only languages that a language MASTER like me hasn’t mastered yet.” Aradia let out a relieved sigh. “Oh, okay. Just, try to ignore her if she tries to do anything.” 

Jade felt slightly confused, unsure what Aradia was implying. She tucked her computer under her arm, and gave Aradia a half-hug with her free one. “Okay, I’ll see you soon!”

After Aradia heard the telltale jangle of the bells hanging on the door, she stormed over to Damara’s room and kicked open the door. “Damara!”

The almost-adult was lying on her stomach amidst a colourful myriad of pillows arranged in an nest-like formation, her annoyingly coloured computer-and-drawing-tablet combo propped up against a pillow that looked more like a red microwave than a pillow…

Oh wait. It is a red microwave. 

Aradia decided not to question why Aradia had such an advanced piece of Crockercorp tech in her room. “Damara!” Damara looked up from her drawing and leveled her gaze on Aradia’s slightly chubby face. “Nani? Dono yō ni iimasu ka…” Aradia tapped her foot impatiently. Damra was trying to learn English properly, but usually couldn’t be bothered to speak it properly. Damara snapped her fingers. “Ah! Do you want a speak?” Aradia groaned. “I can understand Japanese just fine, dumbass!” Damara pouted. “Fain. Watashi wa nihongo de hanashimasu. Baka.” 

Aradia rolled her eyes. Really, she detested how she had to be the adult around here. “What have I told you about flirting with my friends?” Damara licked her red-painted lips. “Sore o shinai?” Aradia folded her arms. “Yes! So, why did you?” Damara shrugged, looking back at her computer. “Hoka no subete no hitobito wa mirikitekide wa nakatta.” Aradia executed a flawless FACEPALM x2 COMBO. “Jesus. You know what? Never mind. Just don’t do it again, okay?” Damara nodded, quickly going back to her drawing. Aradia almost left, before she ducked back in and grabbed Damara’s computer to look at what she was drawing. She fumbled it, before throwing it back in Damara’s nest. “Oh my god! Why do you do this?” Damara propped her computer back up against the sendificator again, going back to her drawing. “Purely ironically. Is that correct, yes?” Aradia had already slammed the door shut.

\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began pestering gardenGnostalgic [GG] -- 

AA: jade 

GG: yup? 

AA: just telling you 

AA: try not to talk to damara again 

GG: wait why? 

AA: see you on saturday 

\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased pestering gardenGnostalgic [GG] -- 

GG: what?? :\

Aradia flicked to a different user, who was online, as usual.

\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA] -- 

AA: hey sollux 

TA: hello welcome to the piit2 of hell how can ii help you mii22 

AA: ha ha 

TA: oh no iit2 the griim freaker, have you come two hound me iinto joiiniing your bull2hiit friiend2hiip party 

AA: yes. 

AA: yes i have 

TA: ii have a computer full of 2hiit two do and a head full of fuckiing hell no 

AA: :( 

TA: aa no 

AA: sollux please 

TA: ii hope youre happy 

TA: iim abandoniing my chiildren for this 

AA: believe me sollux 

AA: this is going to be a party to remember


	7. Arrivals

Kanaya and Aradia were obviously the first ones to arrive, being Jade’s co-leaders. Kanaya brought streamers, tablecloths, and balloons, Aradia brought a very official-looking clipboard with a list of all the people that needed to arrive and some blue cupcakes iced like kittens with sunglasses, which she said her boyfriend and his best friend made. She also said that they would be arriving in a while. Jade was excited to meet them, however, Kanaya was suitably less enthused. To explain, she merely said, “His clothing choices.” 

Aradia said she shouldn’t categorize people based on what they wear. Kanaya said that it was essential for social interaction. Jade told them to stop arguing and help her put the streamers up. 

Before they noticed the time, a short, auburn-haired girl in an animal hat dragging him by the wrist burst in, dragging a tall, tanned, guy by the wrist, before he quickly apologised for them both. “My apologies. I tried to tell her that we were early, but she-” Aradia dropped the uninflated balloon she was holding and skipped over, planting a kiss on the guy’s cheek and then sweeping the short girl up into a big hug. After that, she turned back to the rest of the triad and grinned widely. “Girls, this is my boyfriend Equius,” the tall guy blushed profusely at that point, “and his best friend, Nepeta!” The short girl waved at them. “It’s nice to finally meet you guys!” She skittered over to Kanaya, then Jade, and let out a happy squeal. “This is just purrfect! What are your names?” Equius pressed his hands together awkwardly. “It is very nice to meet you.” Kanaya gave him a quick once-over, then leant to whisper something in Jade’s ear. “At least he isn’t wearing the clothes he was in the photo I saw of him.” 

Jade held back a snort and turned back to the two newcomers. “Well, I’m Jade Harley, and this is Kanaya! We’re Aradia’s co-planners! Gosh, this is going to be a great party!” She glanced at Nepeta again and, yep, that was definitely a cat hat. “I guess it’s going to be pretty… clawsome.” Nepeta’s hands flew to her mouth. “You made a cat pun! Oh, this is amazing! I’m already feline super comfurtable here!” 

She put her hands on her hips and poked her tongue out at Equius. “See? Nofurn to worry about!” Kanaya tilted her head slightly. “Nof…urn?” Jade snickered. “Nofurn, like as in fur, and nothing!” “Ah.” Kanaya thought about that for a while before answering the door. “Helloooooooo!” Vriska strode into the room, followed by Terezi, who was sniffing the air none too inconspicuously. Vriska smirked at Jade. “Oh myyyyyyyy~, if it isn’t Little Miss Landmine?” 

Jade smiled, her lime green eyes slightly scathing. “Nice to see you.” Only Kanaya and Aradia noticed that Jade’s fingers were crossed behind her back. She shot them a wink, and greeted Terezi. “Hey, Terezi, right?” Terezi’s grin widened, her teal eyes sparkling. “Harley, nice shoes. Sparkly.” Jade clicked her heels. “Well, there’s no place like K-Mart!” Nepeta giggled. “Okay, who else is coming to this meowgnificent purrty?” Jade thought for a second, before looking to Aradia. “Aradia?” Aradia whipped out a list from god-knows-where, holding it in front of her with a maroon pen in hand. “Okay, so out of the… eleven guests, seven are here. Only John, Jane, Jake, and Sollux are yet to arrive. Most of you probably don’t know the other J-namers in person, but Jake, Jade’s older brother, looks like a boy version of Jade, Jane is short-ish and wears light blue a lot, and John looks kind of like a mix between Jake and Jane.”

Vriska rolled her eyes. “You seeeeeeeeriously memorised their appearances? Wow.” Aradia raised her eyebrows. “I thought you would be happy to finally meet John in person.” Vriska’s cheeks coloured. Nepeta grinned. “Hehe! Your name is Vriska, right?” Vriska nodded. “Yeah, just don’t call me anything dumb, like--” “Vwhiskers! Okay, thankyou!” Nepeta smiled.

Vriska crossed her arms and blew a strand of hair out of her face menacingly. Terezi patted her arm. Aradia shoved the list into her pocket, smiling at everyone in front of her. “Okay, we’re not starting until everyone’s here, due to,” Aradia nodded at Kanaya, who was studying Terezi’s clothing, “some co-planners concerns about people missing out, so we’ll just wait like, five or ten minutes for everyone else to show up.”

They waited.

Jade pouted. “Gosh, when is John going to arrive? I swear, he always seems to arrive just as we’re about to...” 

**_BANG BANG BANG_ ** .

“...go on without him.” The person outside banged on the door again. “Hello?! Jade?”Jade opened the door. It was John, unsurprisingly. John immediately tackled her in a hug. “Jade!” Jade grinned, wrapping her arms around her cousin and patting the top of his head. “John!” Jane strode in with her bright blue skirt swishing around her hips, smiling broadly at everyone. “Nice to meet you, hoo hoo hoo!” Aradia pointed at everybody in turn, introducing them. “I’m Aradia,” Jane nodded, already knowing who she was from Jade, “and this is Equius, Nepeta, Vriska, Terezi, and Kanaya. My friend Sollux should be here soon, but he’ll probably be grumpy.” Jane nodded. 

Aradia snapped her fingers. “Oh, right! Do you know when Jakey’ll be here?” Jane sighed exasperatedly and rubbed her arm. “Well, he should be here by now, but he must’ve gotten distracted…” She frowned. “...like he always does,” she added under her breath. Aradia grabbed a plate of snacks, feigning offence when Equius took it out of her hands very gently, setting it back on the table. 

“Aradia, the party was not to officially start until all guests have arrived, is that correct?” Aradia brushed a strand of curly hair out of her eyes and smiled wryly at him. “Yes.” Equius mopped his forehead with the back of his hand, blushing profusely. “O-oh…” 

Nepeta snickered. 

Aradia’s phone beeped, and she pulled it out of her skirt pocket, fumbling slightly. 

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began pestering apocalypseArisen [AA] --

TA: aa.>

TA: iim out2iide.

TA: hurry the hell up.

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering apocalypseArisen [AA] -- 

Aradia pocketed her phone and skipped over to the door. Sollux was standing there, fidgeting. Aradia could see the obvious signs of his discomfort, even through the bi-coloured glasses that hid his heterochromia. “AA, thith ithn’t jutht a th…” Sollux looked around Aradia to see the (admittedly quite small) crowd of people. He swallowed a lump in his throat. “...little get-together?”

Aradia patted his arm consolingly. “Hey, it’s going to be worth it. You can just hang out with Kanaya and Terezi if you don’t want to make friends.” Sollux crossed his arms. “I have a perfectly good amount of friends.” Aradia snorted. “Okay. Just hurry up and come in. Everyone, this is Sollux!”

The front room rang with everyone saying different variations of “Hi Sollux!”

Sollux relaxed slightly at the sight of Kanaya and Terezi. “Hi everyone.”


	8. Disappearance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magic is not something to be trifled with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry i didn't get this out sooner! :(((
> 
> i was busy with christmas, and then busy with all sorts of random stuff that happened....
> 
> warning: vriska

After the ‘party’ had been going for a while, a certain English adventurer burst through the door, promptly forgetting that knocking was a thing. “HELLO!” Jade turned around to see her brother surveying the small crowd of people. “My apologies for being so late to this fab shindig, I was just reading this absolutely capital f-” Jade waves her arms around. 

 

“Okay Jake! Yep, Kanaya, he’s here! We can start now!” Jake crossed his arms and huffed in mock-anger. “Really, Jade, not even a hello? You were raised a Har… an En… a Harley-English!” Jade snorted and punched her brother’s arm lightly. “Bro, I see you every day, almost! You can stop being the center of attention now.” Jake, having both the obedience and attention span of a puppy, immediately skittered over to Aradia, to exchange greetings, as well as to start yapping incessantly about Indiana Jones.

 

Kanaya stopped grimacing at Terezi’s bitten-down-to-the-nub nails and stood up, clapping twice. “Alright, everyone. Us three…” Kanaya waited for a second, then coughed quietly. Aradia got the point, and managed to rip herself away from the evidently scintillating conversation she was a part of, and squeezed past Terezi and Vriska to join Kanaya and Jade against the wall. 

 

The group of three now had the room’s attention. Jade cleared her throat and started talking before Kanaya could. She wanted to get their discovery out as soon as possible. 

 

“Okay everybody, I don’t remember some of your names, but that doesn’t really matter. I found a cool book,” Kanaya gave her a slightly condescending look. Jade continued, blissfully oblivious to Kanaya’s stare. “and it’s magical!” 

 

Aradia heard a familiar giggle, and immediately shot an icy glare at Sollux, who was chuckling next to Terezi and by extension, Vriska. She ducked under a table and pulled out the book, passing it to Jade, who grinned. She waved it around. “Doesn’t it just  _ reek _ of magic?” 

 

Vriska grabbed Terezi’s arm when she started towards the book. “Don’t,” she hissed in Terezi’s ear. Kanaya folded her arms across her chest. “If you choose not to believe us, we will have no choice but to exterminate you.” Jade frowned, nudging Kanaya with her hip. “Actually, we won’t do that! We just wanted to say that we found it first, and it’s magic, so if one of you chooses to steal it and parade through the streets with a glowing dragon baby in each hand, everyone else’ll know that we got it first.” 

 

Vriska snickered, flicking a strand of hair out of her face. “Oh my god,” she said, dragging out the O for around eight seconds. She sashayed over to Jade and swiped the book out of her hands, flipping through with an expression of distaste. “Ugh, this is just random bullshit!” The book was slammed shut with a bang. “Come ON! You losers can’t possibly think that magic is real!” 

 

Aradia scowled. “Jade, read something.” Jade adjusted her glasses and grabbed the book. Vriska gave it up begrudgingly. Just as she was about to start reading, Kanaya cleared her throat and put her hand on the book. “Jade, you may want to think about this before dashing into something that may turn out to be confrontational. Plus,” and she leaned forward at this point, so the others wouldn’t hear. “Vriska will just say that you made it up if it has no apparent effects.” Jade thought for a few seconds, then blew a raspberry. “Who cares if that salty prune doesn’t understand it?” 

 

Vriska huffed. “Are you two done yet? I want a demonstration of this ‘magic’ you’ve got tucked away in that dumb book.” Kanaya sniffed haughtily, and whispered to Jade. “I’ve changed my mind. I believe we should give her a demonstration.” Jade grinned. Kanaya stood straight, looking at the rest of the room through steely jade eyes. “Alright. Aradia, although she did not provide much apart from angry stares, Jade, and I have decided we are going to give a demonstration of the power this book holds.” Terezi paused in the middle of guzzling a cup of some sort of unholy spiked soft drink to applaud, as if she was unaware of the tension between her best friend and Kanaya.

 

Jade cleared her throat, and flipped through the pages once more, before settling on a spell that was translated into messy chicken scratch, instead of confusing symbols. She held the book with one hand on the spine, the other holding the page down, and began to read.

 

“Ay, nais, gagriane aneryk.”

 

None of the surprise get-together attendees noticed the light breeze that began to swirl around everyone’s ankles.

 

“Da cheed, oh crap!”

 

The light breeze kicked up a notch, and Jade halted her reading as she almost toppled over, her glasses dangling precariously. With the help of Aradia, she righted herself, her face tinted red in embarrassment. 

 

She managed to keep her cool though, and raised her eyebrows at Vriska, who looked kind of shell-shocked. It quickly switched back into a scowl.

 

Vriska flipped her hair for the thousandth time. “Pfft. I knew magic was real, I was just testing you to see if you had enough guts to actually try and cast something!” Vriska strutted over, hands on her hips, and grabbed the book running her fingers over the page Jade had open. 

 

“Turns out you didn’t.” 

 

John frowned. He decided that although Vriska had been fun to talk to online, as arachnidsGrip, she wasn’t very nice in reality. “Vriska, can I talk to you?” 

 

She raised her eyebrows at John, who was only a few centimetres taller than her. “You are now, dork.” Jade stepped boldly forward, making a move to snatch the book out of Vriska’s hands. “Give that back!” 

 

The rest of the room watched with varying degrees of amusement, all intending to step in if it got too bad. 

 

Vriska held it above her head, making use of her superior height. Jade growled, and Vriska snickered. Again. “Psh, you couldn’t even finish the spell!” Jade’s ears went red, and Jake decided to step in. “Now, come on ladies, can’t this all be settled by something that won’t descend into fisticuffs?” Vriska cackled, spinning around to face the self-appointed adventurer. “Oh my god, you’re just as weird as Harley! More attractive though,” she added. Jake went bright pink, and quickly stepped away. 

 

Vriska scoffed, squinting to read the book. “Okay, Harley, watch and learn!” She dropped one hand to spin and point at everyone else. “This is why you don’t fuck with the Scourge Sisters!” 

 

Kanaya hissed through her teeth, getting in between the steadily-growing-angrier Jade and Vriska. “Alright, Vriska, I’m sure this can be resolved with a simple conversation-” Vriska bared her teeth, and nudged Kanaya aside with her hip. “Don’t get involved, Fussyfangs! This is my fight!” 

 

Kanaya walked back to Aradia, folding her arms. Aradia furrowed her brows. “Why didn’t you stop her?” Kanaya sighed, then spoke a bit louder so the rest of the people could hear. “It’s better for Vriska to just get her attention-seeking out at the beginning, then we may continue partying. If you ignore her, she’ll stop.”

 

Everyone slowly went back to their conversations, one by one turning away from the scuffle in the middle of the room. Vriska made a face. “Losers!” She turned away from Jade to read the book properly, switching hands whenever Jade’s grabs got too close. “Okay, let’s see here… Ah, here it is. Ay, nais?” Vriska laughed, looking at everyone too see if they were watching. “God, what is this? G… Gagriane aneryk! Da cheed…”

 

She trailed off, looking around again. Finally, she had had enough. “Okaaaaaaaay, dumbasses! Look. At. Me. I’m trying to show you a spell, and you’re all doing whatever the fuck you want to! Well, excuuuuuuuuse me, losers!” She cleared her throat, and repeated Jade’s spell, from the start. “Ay, nais, gagriane aneryk! Da cheed...” The wind was whipping Vriska’s hair around her face, her unbuttoned jacket fluttering in the almost gale-force winds. “...oiv-gyrd!” The wind died down, and Vriska snorted, somehow managing to still sound cool. 

 

She handed the book back to Jade, flipping her slightly-dishevelled blue-black hair out of her face. “See? You were too much of a coward to read a dumb spell!” 

 

Just as she began to sashay back to Terezi and Sollux near the food tables, everything d

  
  


                                i  s

  
  


   a p        

 

                                                                                pe

 

 

                                                              ar

                                                                                                                          ed.


	9. Recovery

John woke up. Jade poking his forehead, as she usually did when she stayed over. He batted the offending hand away and turned over in his bed, spitting a leaf out of his mouth.

Wait… leaves?

John snapped upright, narrowly missing headbutting someone. The someone in question squawked, jumping away with a sickle pointing directly at his forehead. John screamed, scrambling to grab the pocketknife Jake had given to him for his fifteenth birthday last year. “Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT!” 

John looked worriedly at the boy in front of him. The sickles pointed at him looked extremely pointy. “Okay, okay, okay, please don’t kill me! I, uh,don’t know where I am, and...” 

The dark-haired boy scowled, looking slightly confused. The pink, lime, and white sickles were slowly lowered, and the boy started pacing towards John like a panther on the hunt. John threw his hands in the air as a sign of surrender, scooting backwards on the pile of leaves. “I’m not going to fight you! I-I just…” 

The dark haired boy growled at him. Not a friendly or joking growl, like Jade would do. An extremely threatening growl that reminded John of the angry dogs he would steer clear of when Jade and Becquerel went to the dog park.

“Shut. Up.” John squinted. There was a crack in one of the lenses of his glasses. Shit. “Sorry, what was that? I, um, I didn’t...” The threatening aura surrounding the boy seemed to expand quickly. John shrunk backwards and adjusted his glasses, a habit he had picked up from Jane. “S-sorry!” The dark-haired boy wrinkled his nose. John giggled nervously, holding out his hand to shake. “I’m… I’m John Egbert. What’s your-- OW!” 

John dropped to the ground, clutching where the prospective friend had kicked him. “Ow, dude! What the f-mmph!”

The boy hoisted John over his shoulder with strength uncommon to one of his stature, and carried the yelling sixteen-year-old further into the woods.

\---

Jane woke up to the familiar feeling of an armchair back pressing against her spine. Gosh, it’d been such a long time since she had fallen asleep on a chair! She must’ve fallen asleep at the…

...party…

Jane’s light blue eyes flew open and she let out a surprised squeak, startling the tall guy who was looking out the window. Jane watched confusedly as he fumbled with a photo frame, before setting it back on the fireplace.

He turned to her, grinning widely. “Oh, motherfuck! You’re awake!” Jane smiled faintly. “Um, thankyou? If you wouldn’t mind telling me, where exactly am I?” The tall guy flapped his hands around a bit. “Ok, gimme a motherfuckin’ second.” He then rushed off into an adjoining room, leaving Jane to nervously ponder whether she was going to be murdered. 

The guy returned in around five minutes, balancing a tray with a slice of pie and a glass of apple juice on one hand, like a butler on butler island. He handed them to Jane with the same strangely relaxed smile. “Some motherfuckin’ pie, sis. I thought you might have gotten your motherfuckin hunger on all this time you’ve been catchin’ some dreams.” 

Jane resisted a snicker at his inane, babbling way of talking. She poked the pie nervously. It looked and smelled like limes. Hopefully it wasn’t poisonous. She took a small bite, and the tall guy smiled expectantly. “It’s, ah. It’s really nice. Is it lime?” The guy nods. “Hell motherfuckin’ yes. Grew ‘em myself.” 

Jane smiled, taking a sip of orange juice. “That’s very cool.” The tall dragged over a bright red bean-bag chair and sat down, steepling his fingers. “Okay, sis. I found you in the motherfuckin’ forest all passed out and shit, and I don’t know two motherfuckin’ things about you. Let’s do a motherfuckin’ lightnin’ round.” Jane raised her eyebrows. Jake would often do a lightning round whenever him and his sister were off on adventures for more than a week.

Jane smiled, resting her hands on the arms of the chair. “Alrighty then, buster. My name is Jane Crocker. What’s yours?” “Gamzee Makara, motherfucker.” Jane sighed internally. This guy, Gamzee, really did use a lot of profanity. “Alright, Gamzee. It’s your turn.” Gamzee thought for a while. “Okay. Um… do ya motherfuckin’ got any hatchmates?” 

Jane gave him a quizzical look. “Hatch… mates?” 

Gamzee blanched, quickly correcting himself as his posture went rigid for a few seconds. “Motherfuck. I mean siblings.” “Ah.” Jane nodded. “Well, I have a younger brother. He’s sixteen, and his name is John. I also have two cousins, Jake and Jane. They’re almost like siblings to me and John.” Gamzee nodded thoughtfully. “Huh, that’s pretty motherfuckin’ cool. Your turn, right?” 

Jane nodded. “Yes. So, where exactly are we?” Gamzee’s smile falters slightly. “You don’t motherfuckin’ know where you are?”

Jane shrugged. “Well, the last thing I remember, one of John’s internet friends was doing… something to do with a book? Then I woke up here, and that’s all.” Gamzee’s mouth twitched up at the side, a strange half smile. “Ain’t that a motherfuckin’ miracle of some sort. You’re in me and my best bro’s house, in the forest. Firefly Forest, to be motherfuckin’ specific.” 

Jane raised her eyebrows. “Well, I’ve never heard of the Firefly Forest. Where exactly is it? I mean, which country.” Gamzee thought for a while. “Well, uh. Motherfuckin’... Estrein? Somewhere in the middle of Estrein.” Jane leant back, closing her eyes to try and process all of this. “Where I come from, I don’t think that’s an actual place.” Gamzee was silent for a while.

“Where are you motherfuckin’ from, Jane?” “America.” Gamzee chuckled. “Now, that definitely ain’t a real motherfuckin’ place here.” “Huh.” Jane, Kanaya, and Aradia had said that the book was magic so…

“Oh, shucky darn. I, uh...hm. I think one of my younger brother’s internet friends that I only recently met in real life read a spell from some book that three of the most well-known ladies in town found somewhere.” 

Gamzee looked slightly dazed. “Miraculous.” Jane furrowed her eyebrows, knitting her fingers together and resting her chin on them. “So, you believe me?” Gamzee nodded his head, his eyes half-closed. “Yeah, motherfucker. What reason would I have not to?” 

Jane felt a smile tug at the corners of her mouth. “Thanks, Gamzee. That was less difficult than I thought that would be.” Gamzee suddenly perked up, his smile broadening. “Hey, you can stay here while we search for your brother. I’m sure he’s here somewhere.”

\---

“What the fuck?” Karkat, as John had learnt the boy’s name to be, was pacing around his room, gesturing wildly. “So, you expect me to believe you’re from some sort of… halfassed alternate dimension with no magic?”

Karkat stopped in the middle of the room, crossing his arms and glaring at John. “How do you even do anything? Wait, don’t answer that.” John shrugged, scratching the back of his head. Karkat was only slightly less intimidating when not armed than when he was. 

Karkat resumed pacing. “Okay, I’m going to give you some provisions, and you can get the fuck out of my life and find one of your friends.” John got up, folding his arms and mimicking Karkat’s pose. “I told you, I don’t even know if they’re here with me!” Karkat dragged his hands down his face, groaning. “I don’t have time to babysit some random interdimensional child, fuckass! I have things I need to do!” John frowned. “Okay, Karkat. Can we discuss this like adults?” 

Karkat twitched. “I’m the only one acting like one, you stupid, dicklicking fuckass!” John grinned internally. Now was a perfect time to regain some prankster's gambit. He closed his eyes, scoffing and turning away. “Well, I dunno, you are pretty short and kind of cu--” 

A sickle embedded itself with a dull thud in the wood next to John’s head. He turned around slowly, to see Karkat practically vibrating with anger, ribbons of bright red something buzzing around his wrist.

John looked back at the sickle. It was buried halfway up to the hilt. He looked back at Karkat. Karkat snickered. John took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in his throat. “W-wow, Karkat, that was a pretty cool trick!” Karkat exhaled loudly. “If you make another remark like that, the next sickle will bury itself to the hilt in your groin.” 

John snickered. “Ew, dude. Plus, if I leave to go look for my friends that might not even be here, I won’t…” Karkat rolled his eyes. John’s eyes went wide. “...oh.” Karkat put the sickle back into its drawer. “Yes. Apparently I enjoy subjecting myself to brainless shitmaggots like you. There’s a guest room down the hall. The purple door. The bed’s already got blankets. I’ll find some spare clothes that’ll fit you.”

John paused for a second, then smiled widely, his blue eyes glittering like sapphires and buck teeth poking over his bottom lip. 

“Thankyou Karkat!” Karkat scowled, scratching his collarbone. “Ugh, don’t thank me fuckass.”

John felt his smile grow. This was going to be the beginning of an amazing friendship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _(>:3」∠)_  
> hey, i need some side characters, so if you want to write a small description of you or a human oc, that would be really good. 
> 
> (name, hair, eyes, gender, personality, way of speaking)
> 
> *dabs out* yeah


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cameryn and Isabelle/Ivan belong to TrashGhosty!
> 
> (also a note to TrashGhosty, i apologise if they're ooc!)

Jade opened her eyes blearily. The sky spread out in front of her, smudgy clouds. Jade sat up quickly, looking around. She was in a tree.

To be specific, a very tall tree. Well, it looked very tall from where she was perched on a skinny branch. Jade felt her breath quicken. “Fuckity.” The branch swayed threateningly. Jade looked around again. Where was John and the others? Why had she been asleep? How the hell did she get up this tree? 

The branch swayed again, and there was a sharp crack as the branch started to buckle under Jade’s slight movement. “Fuckity fucking fuUUUUAAAAAAAAAIIIIII--” 

She landed in thick, soft briars. That could have been disastrous. Jade lay in the weirdly soft blue ferns for quite a while, very dazed, and very confused. 

Someone reached down and pulled her upright. “I’m Cameryn. Are you alright?”

Several minutes ago...

Isabelle pulled the violet-tinted goggles off her face, flipping the different magnifying lenses back into place. 

“Camryn. There’s a girl that just fell out of Nespra. She landed in some of the strange bioluminescent bushes we passed on our last run, and I’m not completely sure if she’s alive. She’s lying very still.”

Camryn looked up from the blaze-ant hill they were poking with one of their machetes and pouted, slipping it back into the loop on their belt. “Dammit, why are you being such a angsty worrier? I’ll go get the girl and we can test her for conditioning!” Isabelle folded her slim arms across her chest and smiled slightly. “You can’t test a corpse for conditioning, you quixotic maniac. Don’t go back to poking that hill. Your eyebrows only just grew back from last time”

Camryn scowled, running a finger across a patch of sandy blond-ish eyebrow that was still missing. “I’m telling you, that wasn’t my fault.” Isabelle sighed and patted the shorter one’s hair. “I know. Go get the girl, and when you come back the blaze-ants will be gone.” Camryn poked their tongue out, then bounded off through the trees, whipping out one of their machetes. Isabelle sighed, slipping the binocular-like goggles back on. Ivan. Isabelle was feeling more like Ivan right now. 

He trekked back inside and grabbed one of the flamethrowers that Camryn had insisted on taking from one of the sites they had missed earlier in the year. Blaze-ants were notoriously hardy. 

Present day...

Camryn twirled the dangerously sharp machete in their hand, trotting along the path in front of Jade. Jade fiddled with the hem of her skirt nervously. Camryn stopped suddenly, and Jade almost bumped into them. Camryn swivelled around on their heels, grinning. “So, name?”

“Oh, I’m Jade Harley.” Camryn nodded, hands on their hips. 

They kept walking. Jade’s legs hurt.

“The camp should be coming up any minute now.” Jade looked at their savior quizzically. “Camp?” Camryn looked back again. “Yeah! It’s really awesome, you’ll love Isabelle. Well, or Ivan. Well, you’ll love my best friend!” Jade felt a smile creep onto her face. The goofy enthusiasm reminded her of John.

Her smile fell. John…

Eventually, a small camp came into view. There were three tents set up in a semi-circle, a pile of charred wood and ash in the centre. There was a person sitting on a stack of metal ammunition boxes, holding a steaming mug. They looked up, their face breaking into a small smile. 

“Ah, Cameryn. Not a cadaver, then. Have you checked for conditioning?” 

Cameryn groaned. “I forgot my laser thingy!” The person sighed, getting up and putting the mug to the side. Jade looked from short person to tall person. “Conditioning? Laser thingy?!” The tall person just smiled faintly and grabbed something cylindrical out of a small bag connected to their hip. “Okay, I’m going to need you to look directly into this.”

A torch?

Whoever they were, they put their hand on Jade’s shoulder to keep her in place, and flicked the maybe-torch on. An incredibly bright green beam of light, even visible in the dappled ground of the clearing, shone out onto the ground. 

They shone it right in Jade’s EYES. 

Jade felt her eyes water in the few seconds she was looking into the torch, then, mercifully, it was turned off. “She’s clean.” The tall person looked at her apologetically and slotted the torch back into its place. They held out their hand to shake. “I am sincerely sorry for that. I’m Ivan. Cameryn’s “bestie”.”

Cameryn smiled proudly. Jade scratched her elbow nervously. She now had a name for the intimidating person in front of her. “Nice to meet you, Ivan. I’m Jade Harley. So, uh, what did you mean by conditioning?” Ivan’s eyebrows rose slightly. “I’m surprised you didn’t know. Both sides are experimenting with dangerous magery, and heavily impacting their prisoner’s minds. The thing is, the prisoners don’t remember they were prisoners, and just walk around aimlessly until the conditioning comes into effect, and they go absolutely…” 

Cameryn finished the sentence for him. “Apeshit!” Ivan nodded. “Yes, I guess that is the right word.” Jade pursed her lips as she processed this information. “Huh. Well, I also have another question.” Ivan smiled kindly at her. “Go on.” “Well, what did you mean by ‘two sides’?” 

Cameryn snorted. “I’m sorry, what? Are you joking?” Jade shook her head. “No? I don’t really remember how I got in that tree, either.” Ivan’s brow furrowed, and the area around his dark blue eyes started sparking, small pinpricks of bright red drifting to the ground. Jade took quite a few steps back, shaking a few dissolving flakes off her shoes. “Uh, Cameryn, what’s happening?” 

Cameryn looked completely unfazed by the flakes of what looked like bright red paint falling to the ground. “Ivan’s just looking at your trail. Your past trail.” 

Jade scrunched up her nose. “My what?” Cameryn made some vague gestures. “You know, time stuff! Ivan learnt how to see where people’ve come from!” Ivan suddenly pressed the palms of his hands against his face, blinking rapidly. “Your name is Jade, right?” Jade nodded. “Yeah!” Ivan ran a hand through his short hair. “Well, Jade, it seems you don’t actually… have a past trail. It just cuts off just about where we first saw you in those briars.” 

“And that’s a bad thing?” Ivan nodded. “Well, your past trail should go all the way back until when you were born, but yours just… disappears.” Cameryn stuck their hand in the air, waving it around. “OOH! I know what that means!” Ivan nodded approving, a small smile working its way onto his face. “So you have been paying attention. So Cameryn, what exactly does the disappearance of a past trail mean?” Cameryn rubbed his hands together. “Okay, well that means that there’s been an error in your personal timeline. That usually happens to time-jumpers if they haven’t stabilised their loops” Ivan made a vague ‘keep going’ gesture. “And?” Cameryn thought for a moment.

“...and... ah, I got it! It could also happen because your from another… universe?” Ivan shook his head slightly. “Realm?” Ivan smiled and nodded. “Correct. Good work, Cameryn. It’s nice to know that you actually have been listening to my pointless tirades.” Cameryn blew a raspberry, causing Jade to snicker. “Well, they were interesting!” 

Jade tapped her foot. “Well, out of those two options, I guess the most likely would be the second.” Cameryn’s eyes lit up. “Wooooooooah…” Ivan hardly looked surprised, though Cameryn was practically vibrating. “Really? That is so COOL! Jesus, inter-realm travel hasn’t happened in so long! The last one must’ve been, what, six years ago? Wait, actually that isn’t really that long… Shit, but it’s still awesome! What realm are you from? Are you from the Shadow Realm? The Sp-mmph!” Ivan sighed exasperatedly, his hands clamped over Cameryn’s mouth. “I apologise, Jade. When Cameryn gets started, there’s almost no stopping them.” 

Cameryn couldn’t manage to wrestle Ivan’s hands off, much to the short blonde’s chagrin, and Jade’s amusement. Cameryn fumed silently, before licking the palm of one of Ivan’s spidery hands. Ivan quickly jerked his hands back, wiping them on his black jeans. “Cameryn! That’s disgusting!” Cameryn snorted inelegantly and wiped their mouth with the back of their hand. “Your hands taste like dirt.” Ivan failed to hold in a snicker, and shoved Cameryn so they almost fell over. “That’s a bit arrogant, coming from you!”

Jade doubled over laughing. She had a good feeling about these two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i headcanon cameryn as, like, a tall-ish gremlin i apologise
> 
> my tumblr is crabapples413, its mostly shitposts with the occasional art, but ill tag the story-related ones.


	11. ANNOUNCEMENT AND APOLOGY

hey guys

first off, i apologise

this story has gotten so much good feedback i just aaaargh uwu;;

im rewriting it, since i literally cannot write this story and tie up plotholes (i mean i did write the first three chapters in twenty minutes while sugar buzzed)

so im rewriting it!

the first chapter will be pretty much the same, but there will be like... one big change, which is the placement of characters and the friendships //dab

im really sorry, but the story as it is currently is incredibly hard to write for

i hope you like the revised edition

 

callie and cal will be theeeeeereeee


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